“ BEING WITH”

A note that is a little different today about truly “being with” someone.

The past few weeks have been quite emotional for me. Early in January , my fathers’ companion passed away after a long illness.
Then over the past week or so my beloved grandmother has been unwell. It is inevitable that she will soon pass away too. Until a few weeks ago she was caring for herself almost completely independently.
As much as this brings me to tears, as she will be missed, the tears are also of joy and pride. She has had a fantastic life with highs and lows and she has soldiered on giving all of her offspring a great role model to follow. She always said ”You just have to keep going”.
Right now she is cared for and surrounded by her family in her own home. For me this is the essence of being with.

I know I always talk about it in regard to babies. It doesn’t just apply to babies though.

Being with someone at the hardest and most painful of times is the biggest compliment someone can give you. To allow someone in at that time is a huge act of love. And to the person or persons invited to witness these times it is the highest privilege.
I am proud of my aunts for taking on her care in her home. None of them are nurses, so the hows and whys of caring for someone needing so much care is new for them. They continue to manage beautifully with the expert advice of the palliative care team who have been absolutely wonderful.
I cared for my mother in our home many years ago when she passed away, and as much as it was a very tough time it is also one of the most rewarding of my life. The gift is to the carer, not the other way around.
I have long been an advocate of caring for our dying at home right up until their last breath simply because I know first hand the rewards it brings.
If we can remember to just “be with” at all those difficult times and not just try to fix it or make it go away or make it better, but help them through it by just being there, you will be amazed at the difference in your strength and stamina.
So when you are feeling like you need to “fix” a difficult situation for someone think again. Give them the compliment of believing in them and just be with them as they negotiate their way.

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Stop the baby crying

Stop the baby crying

When we hear a baby cry for an extended period,  at times  we may hear someone say just stop the baby crying. Babies cry for a reason, the difficult thing sometimes is to work out what the reason is.
Sometimes it is easy.  You may know that your little one hasn’t had a feed for a while and may be hungry. You may think” I haven’t checked his or her nappy for a little while- maybe that is uncomfortable”.  May be it has gotten more hot or cold and your little is uncomfortable with that.
These times it is easy to fix and when you do it will stop the baby crying.
However at other times it is not so easy.  These are the times when for most parents it becomes stressful , particularly when out in public and especially when you are on your own or in a new or unsupportive environment.
These are the times when you may think just help me stop the baby crying.  You may be feeling others eyes on you and wonder what they are thinking.  You may get the unwanted stares and frowns from unhelpful strangers.  It is easy to just want to stop the baby crying or alternatively wish you were swallowed up into a dark hole and disappear right in that moment.
Take heart.  Most people do not think  this at all.  Most people are empathising with you.  Most people have been in your shoes and know what you are feeling.  Most are not thinking just stop the  crying.
The fact is, most are thinking “ I feel for you.  I know exactly how you feel and I am glad it is not me.”
So the next time this happens to you, just go about your business knowing that you are doing your best and one day too soon you will also be thinking “ I feel for you, I am glad it is not me trying to stop the baby crying.”

Help with sleeping

Help with sleeping

Here is another story of a happy customer who asked me for help with sleeping and their baby.
Harriet is 7 weeks. She is breastfed and feeds whenever she desires. Her mum is happy with this.  Harriet also sleeps fairly well and her mum helps her with this most sleep times.  On the rare occasion she will go to sleep on her own.  At night, she wakes every 2-3 hours for a feed. and unless she is in bed with mum  takes up to an hour or two to go back to sleep.
While Harriet’s mum is happy to do this and to do whatever Harriet requires from her, she is feeling like she is running out of energy and is questioning how long she can continue with this practice and especially her own lack of sleep.  Harriet’s mum is thinking that she will grow out of it one day and not need help with sleeping any more. This may be the case and while there is no problem for mum or bub there is no problem. Harriet’s mum is thinking ahead and looking for ideas to avoid problems later.
Harriet’s dad  works long hours  and is often away with work for days at a time.  Their extended family live overseas and all their friends also have young babies so are limited in how much help they can offer.
Harriet’s mum and I had a long discussion about what she is doing now, the benefits and limitations and how Harriet’s mum feels about all this.  She has read widely in her pregnancy and is committed to parenting their child in a calm, nurturing and loving household. Her goal is to build a strong and healthy attachment with Harriet. She is concerned that if Harriet does not need her for help with sleeping that this somehow interferes with her attachment and that the bonds will not be strong.
We discussed babies’ abilities, how they are programmed, their needs and wants. We discussed how sleep works as well - cues, cycles, needs and associations. We also discussed the partnership between mothers and babies and then with fathers how that works as well.

We discussed that mothers also have needs and that to give Harriet the very best it is important to recognise how she is feeling, acknowledge it and work how to balance her needs with Harriets’,  remembering that the needs of both are as important.
Harriet kindly displayed sleep cues and also her ability to self settle very happily while I was there which gave her mum confidence and belief that self settling is not necessarily a negative for her or Harriet.  Mum had the opportunity to recognise Harriet’s cues with my guidance and this helped her feel more confident about what Harriet really needed not what Mum thought she needed.
With more understanding of the bigger picture and respect  for everybody, Harriet’s mum is feeling more in tune with her needs and is working towards practices that support both of them.The changes for Harriet are after just 4 days of observing  and accurately interpreting cues.

Harriet is now self settling daily. Harriet’s mum helps her when necessary but also gives her the opportunity to settle for sleep on her own.  She is feeding a lot better simply because she is more rested and with better feeding, comes better sleep- it is a cycle that feeds on itself.

Night time has been Harriet’s mums biggest surprise.  Harriet now only wakes once a night for a feed and easily goes back to sleep, waking happy in the morning instead of crying. She no longer needs help with sleeping everytime.

Startle Reflex

Startle Reflex

Babies , until the age of 3-4 months will display the startle reflex where they throw out both their arms as if having had a sudden scare.  The presence if this shows a nervous system that is working.  

Theoretically, the thought is that when we were cavemen, this reflex was a primitive safety reflex.  Imagine we were a hairy race, I mean long hair all over our bodies.  If someone was holding a baby and for some reason the baby was to fall or be dropped, the reflex would provide a possibility of safety.  Babies also have a strong grasp reflex.  This is when we put our finger in their palm, they will grasp it very tightly.

So, in the scenario mentioned, when a baby falls , they will startle, and whatever their palms touch, they will grasp onto. 

The startle reflex comes into play with sleep also.  As with a lot of us, when we are going off to sleep, sometimes there is a sense of falling.  That is why  babies will show  the startle reflex when they are going off to sleep.  Often, but not always, this can wake them up, when they were almost off to sleep.  Babies sometimes will startle when they come into a light sleep state  for the same reason.

It is for this reason that we encourage young babies(under 3 months), to be wrapped or swaddled to go off to sleep if they are not being held.  Being swaddled gives them a sense of security when they startle by offering a firm resistance to their arms when they lift them in a startle.

Babies go to sleep easily when being cuddled against your chest  too. They can’t startle because their arms are next to your chest and can’t physically  reach out because your chest is stopping it.

By the way, babies sleep well on their tummies because they can’t startle.

 Tummy sleeping is strongly discouraged because of SIDS risks.  This has been proven over years of research from this wonderful organisation.  Primitive cultures also note this. Through research, it has been shown that these cultures instinctively also put their babies to sleep on their backs for the same reason.

Swaddling to sleep can be weaned off slowly as it is no longer suitable. There is no right time for this, it is individual, however about 5 months is a common time for it. Some enjoy swadding until 12 months or so.

 
(image courtesy of aimeepobjoyphotography.com)
 

why do babies sleep

why do babies sleep

 Babies are immature beings.  It is commonly considered that the first 3 months of a baby’s life really should have been in utero.  It’s just that they can’t get out with  their relatively large head if they stay in there much longer.

Human babies are quite immature in  relation to other mammals when born and much more dependent.
This lends itself to the theory mentioned above that the first 3 months of a baby’s life are really the fourth trimester of pregnancy.  Babies mostly sleep while they are in utero as they are growing and developing.

 For all of us sleep is for energy replenishing, wind down time, time out to recharge and relax.  It is when our cells regenerate and grow most and our hormones regulate. Babies are still growing and maturing in the first 3 months which is what makes them interesting and challenging.

Why babies sleep is also so that they can process all the sensory input they have received throughout the day. Babies ‘ senses are geared up for learning.  Sight, sound, smell, taste and touch are all turned up on high so that they can learn as much about their environment as possible.  As adults we have learned to screen out some stimulation.  At times we also feel overwhelmed with too much sensory input and need to have time out.

With your baby keep that in mind and think about how immature they are and how they have no control over their environment.  All the busyness of our modern life is often too much for babies to handle and can over stimulated them really easily.
Hence frequent sleeps to reset, process and get time out are necessary for a happy relaxed baby, and lead to an answer as to why do babies sleep so much.