What do I stand for?

 

I have been asked often and more recently as I delve more into the world of private practice and business – “ What do you stand for?”  I have often felt pressured into choosing just one option.

My clients  and others  who know me, know that I do not have any bias about the best way to do something.  I have been told that this is one thing they like about my approach- the fact that I offer a variety of solutions  not just one way. (Apparently I am also funny-  more so when I am trying to act all professional like!  Lol)
Anyway, I’d like to tell you a story that may help you understand what I stand for when it comes to sleeping babies particularly.

 
A mother plonked herself down in the chair in my room, put her baby on the floor in the car capsule,  and before I had a chance to speak, the first thing she said was “I’m not cuddling my baby to sleep. I can’t do it. If I have to do that I don’t know what will happen. I just can’t do it. I won’t do it.“

 
Her first child was now two years of age.  She had cuddled her first baby to sleep for 12 months or more and was visibly distressed as she told me her account of how it affected her, her baby, her relationship with her husband and her family. She told me how throughout her second pregnancy all she could think of was what she was going to do once this baby was born.  The thought of cuddling her baby to sleep was so distressing to her.

 
I first attempted to  gently encourage her to seek assistance for herself in regards to her feelings about this so that perhaps this time could be different. This went nowhere.  To her all she could focus on was not cuddling her baby to sleep. It wasn’t about not cuddling her baby, it was about the sleep part of it. She could not move past this idea.  I found that until we addressed this idea  and discussed expectations, options  and strategies for her to use she could not move past it., such was her distress.

 
With her first baby she had read widely and did as the books suggested and found herself feeling miserable and stuck, frustrated by the habits she had formed with no way out that she could see. And a miserable baby with it. Her relationship was strained and she felt unsupported and judged by her family.  She really felt all alone with her idea of what motherhood would be like shattered. She had attended a number of mothers groups  but felt self conscious  and uncomfortable here too.

 
After a number of weeks  getting to know her better, she acknowledged her part in it. She admitted that she had ”stuff” that came up from her past and was so over whelmed by the effect it had on her that her it took her by surprise. She acknowledged  her  particular personality traits that had made becoming a mother a difficult, exhausting, confusing  and  a downright miserable time for her.
I saw her weekly for a couple of months to begin with and then as she felt more at ease,  less frequently.

 
I always wondered about how this time would be different for her and whether in fact it would be. Just as importantly I wondered  whether  her relationship and feelings for this baby and her first would be any different.

 
I saw  the 3 of them when her second one was two years of age. What a difference.  I was amazed at the difference in the relationship between her first child and her second child. She continued to hold resentment towards her first child which delayed positive progress in relationship repairing.

 
Please understand that she didn’t like feeling like this however in being honest this is how she felt.  She also felt remorseful and guilty that she had these feelings. (No wonder she was exhausted).

 
She loved both her children and sadly acknowledged the vast difference in relationship she had with them.  She had been getting help for her “stuff” on this matter for about 6 months and it was helping.  She was making progress and it was her goal to repair the relationship with her first one. The relationship with her second child was strong, comforting, warm, secure and healthy.

 
This woman is a highly educated, caring, intelligent and warm person.  Becoming a mother posed challenges that she could not have imagined  and took her by surprise.

 
My  point in outlining this true story, is that there is not just one way to do things with babies.  What does or doesn’t work with one child may not necessarily be the thing to do for the next.  Becoming a parent is a huge change in itself, my goal is to support women in finding the way that suits their personality, needs, difficulties and  current situation.

 
I cringe when I hear comments that lend themselves towards frowning on choices a parent makes.  Remember we all have our histories, we are all trying our best and ultimately that is all we can do, while we strive to learn.

 
So what do I stand for?

 
Practical ideas that are flexible, unbiased, tailored, sensitive to parent and infant well being, proven, trusted and repeatable that takes in the big picture.

Warm regards
Leisa

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